2009 - A new year, a new life, a chance to start all over again.

A few days ago, I was listening to this song. Nagpaka-emo nanaman and it’ll be the last the for the river of tears to flow uncontrollably. Can’t help but remember the happy times cherished together - things that would make me want to hold on. Remembering things make it harder. I wish it’s that easy to forget but apparently it’s not.

As of now, fresh as the things may be, I think I’m almost there - peak of the healing and cleansing process. I’ve learnt to forgive and not be bitter. To accept and not rationalize. To hope but not to expect. One step at a time, It’ll soon be over before I know it.

In easing the pain in my heart I felt before, reflecting helped a lot. I just realized that this time, I need to love myself for a change - something that I’ve forgotten to do for the past few years. Expect a new me.

Pain in my heart
Zoo

Here I am alone in this empty room,
And let my mind just fly you to the end.
Thoughts of you still linger in my memory
Wondering why my life is not that fair.

I could still recall, those memories of you,
The joy and all your laughter,
The love that we’ve been through.
Oh I can’t believe, you’re gone…

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

Talkin’ to my self, for reasons I can’t find.
Findin’ out why everything went wrong.
Tears fallin’ down on my cheeks,
That I’ve been tryin’ to hold.
I just dunno if I could still go on.

I wanted you to stay,
The tears began to show,
You said you care for me,
But then you have to go
And now I know, you’re gone.

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

I just can’t believe, you’re gone…

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart,

And I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

Paulo's Sermon

Katakot-takot na sermon from Paulo last Saturday night. Buti I was able to absorb some of what points he reiterated before I lost my sanity that humiliating night.

1. Three most important factors in a relationship: Love, Trust and Respect.
- Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It’ll always be there no matter how painful things are.
- Trust is one of the most precious gift you can possibly give to a person. But once broken, it’s hard to regain.
- Respect is very vital. People usually set limits to their actions to give respect to the person s/he loves.

We can sustain a relationship with the following permutations of the aforementioned factors, otherwise, it’s merely lokohan:
Love + Trust + Respect (ideal)
Love + Trust (lagi nagaaway)
Love + Respect (praning)
Trust + Respect (hindi kaya iwanan; it’s easy to rekindle love)

2. Try putting the pieces of the puzzle together
Signs are everywhere and it’ll depend on us to recognize these and link all the connections to come up with a revelation - Answers to the questions that we are all too afraid to ask or worst fears realized.

3. Stop rationalizing things
We usually rationalize stuff - Thinking of all the possibilities, justifying this justifying that; thinking that this should have been this or could have been that. We have to wait for things to unfold. We should never rationalize what a person says or does based on presumptions. Things will only hurt more this way.

4. 3 possibilities
- “This time it’ll be sweeter”
- friendship
- forgive and forget

5. Time will reveal everything. Truth will eventually unfold. That’s why we need time to evaluate all the possible things that could have resulted to the break-up and then do something about it.

6. To salvage or not?
It’s a personal choice. but it depends on who broke up with whom. If the person who broke up doesn’t want to fix things anymore, all efforts for reconciliation will just be thwarted.

Dahil sa lack of sleep and walang gana kumain, several bottles of Red Horse did the trick. The rest is history. lol.

Thanks Pao for your understanding, support, and all that patience!

The Best Christmas Gift

I’ve just opened tons of gifts from my friends and my family this evening. Cool stuff, gadgets, nice clothes, cash, gift certificates, you name it. But still, something’s amiss.. It’s the best Christmas gift of all - “someone” else’s gift. The gift that could have meant the most to me whatever it is.

As much as I’d like to greet “someone” a merry Christmas, I simply can’t. It’s hard.. but I have to. In case you’ll be able to read this, Merry Christmas to you..

What a cold Christmas eve. *sigh*

Still holding on…

Some things happened unexpectedly recently.
Nothing beyond my control.
It’s the end.

There’s nothing more to do..
but to hope.
hope for the best
and hold on.

And I ask from God.
and from all of the Saints.
the guidance,
patience,
enlightenment
and all that I need
to be strong
to be able to accept
the things that are yet to come.
as things simply rely
from someone else’s words.

This someone, as of now,
unknown,
non-existent,
precious,
and the life
holds the key
that would open the door
the pathway
either to happiness
or eternal grief

When time comes
that the existence is realized
this one is hoping
that the harbinger of the scroll
will shed light
to the passage
of eternal bliss

A new start
A new life