2009 - A new year, a new life, a chance to start all over again.

A few days ago, I was listening to this song. Nagpaka-emo nanaman and it’ll be the last the for the river of tears to flow uncontrollably. Can’t help but remember the happy times cherished together - things that would make me want to hold on. Remembering things make it harder. I wish it’s that easy to forget but apparently it’s not.

As of now, fresh as the things may be, I think I’m almost there - peak of the healing and cleansing process. I’ve learnt to forgive and not be bitter. To accept and not rationalize. To hope but not to expect. One step at a time, It’ll soon be over before I know it.

In easing the pain in my heart I felt before, reflecting helped a lot. I just realized that this time, I need to love myself for a change - something that I’ve forgotten to do for the past few years. Expect a new me.

Pain in my heart
Zoo

Here I am alone in this empty room,
And let my mind just fly you to the end.
Thoughts of you still linger in my memory
Wondering why my life is not that fair.

I could still recall, those memories of you,
The joy and all your laughter,
The love that we’ve been through.
Oh I can’t believe, you’re gone…

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

Talkin’ to my self, for reasons I can’t find.
Findin’ out why everything went wrong.
Tears fallin’ down on my cheeks,
That I’ve been tryin’ to hold.
I just dunno if I could still go on.

I wanted you to stay,
The tears began to show,
You said you care for me,
But then you have to go
And now I know, you’re gone.

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

I just can’t believe, you’re gone…

I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart,

And I don’t want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don’t want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
‘Cause I don’t wanna feel the pain in my heart

Paulo's Sermon

Katakot-takot na sermon from Paulo last Saturday night. Buti I was able to absorb some of what points he reiterated before I lost my sanity that humiliating night.

1. Three most important factors in a relationship: Love, Trust and Respect.
- Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It’ll always be there no matter how painful things are.
- Trust is one of the most precious gift you can possibly give to a person. But once broken, it’s hard to regain.
- Respect is very vital. People usually set limits to their actions to give respect to the person s/he loves.

We can sustain a relationship with the following permutations of the aforementioned factors, otherwise, it’s merely lokohan:
Love + Trust + Respect (ideal)
Love + Trust (lagi nagaaway)
Love + Respect (praning)
Trust + Respect (hindi kaya iwanan; it’s easy to rekindle love)

2. Try putting the pieces of the puzzle together
Signs are everywhere and it’ll depend on us to recognize these and link all the connections to come up with a revelation - Answers to the questions that we are all too afraid to ask or worst fears realized.

3. Stop rationalizing things
We usually rationalize stuff - Thinking of all the possibilities, justifying this justifying that; thinking that this should have been this or could have been that. We have to wait for things to unfold. We should never rationalize what a person says or does based on presumptions. Things will only hurt more this way.

4. 3 possibilities
- “This time it’ll be sweeter”
- friendship
- forgive and forget

5. Time will reveal everything. Truth will eventually unfold. That’s why we need time to evaluate all the possible things that could have resulted to the break-up and then do something about it.

6. To salvage or not?
It’s a personal choice. but it depends on who broke up with whom. If the person who broke up doesn’t want to fix things anymore, all efforts for reconciliation will just be thwarted.

Dahil sa lack of sleep and walang gana kumain, several bottles of Red Horse did the trick. The rest is history. lol.

Thanks Pao for your understanding, support, and all that patience!

The Best Christmas Gift

I’ve just opened tons of gifts from my friends and my family this evening. Cool stuff, gadgets, nice clothes, cash, gift certificates, you name it. But still, something’s amiss.. It’s the best Christmas gift of all - “someone” else’s gift. The gift that could have meant the most to me whatever it is.

As much as I’d like to greet “someone” a merry Christmas, I simply can’t. It’s hard.. but I have to. In case you’ll be able to read this, Merry Christmas to you..

What a cold Christmas eve. *sigh*

Still holding on…

Some things happened unexpectedly recently.
Nothing beyond my control.
It’s the end.

There’s nothing more to do..
but to hope.
hope for the best
and hold on.

And I ask from God.
and from all of the Saints.
the guidance,
patience,
enlightenment
and all that I need
to be strong
to be able to accept
the things that are yet to come.
as things simply rely
from someone else’s words.

This someone, as of now,
unknown,
non-existent,
precious,
and the life
holds the key
that would open the door
the pathway
either to happiness
or eternal grief

When time comes
that the existence is realized
this one is hoping
that the harbinger of the scroll
will shed light
to the passage
of eternal bliss

A new start
A new life

Shoplifter Lola at mga naglalandiang pusa

It's my daily routine to drop by at 711 GMA branch to get my daily supplement of nicotine and Gatorade Propel. I thought it's just an ordinary day but no... There's this one shoplifter lola who made a scene.

As I was lining up to pay for my goods, I saw her arranging the stuff in her bag in front of the ice cream fridge. I told myself, 'mukang hindi pa naman magbabayad to' so I went ahead sa line. After 10 or 20 seconds, biglang sumingit sya and padabog na nilapag yung 2 selecta cookies and cream drumsticks on the counter in front of me.

Nanginit ang ulo ko. Kumulo ang dugo ko. I told to myself again. 'epal to ah! nakita na ngang nakapila ako tapos sisingit!' Syempre I sneered at her (being myself hahaha!)

After a few more seconds, the store manager came out of nowhere shouting (syempre nagulat nanaman ako!) 'Kitang-kita naman na nagshoplift kayo eh. Nasa loob na nga ng bag nyo yung dalawang ice cream. Sa iba na lang kayo!

'Syempre tinginan lahat ng tao kay lola. Walk out mode. Nakalabas na ng pinto. pero pumasok ulit. She forgot her umbrella pala. then walkout ulit na nagmamadali.

WTF? Magshoshoplift ng ice-cream sa bag?!?! lol! She completed my day.

Well, ganun na ba talaga kahirap ang buhay ngayon that people will shoplift some pampalamig? Or is she just a kleptomaniac. She doesn't look a vagrant to me actually.

After the scene, I went to the Gazebo to light up a smoke. Natuwa ako ako sa nakita ko - Live show! dalawang MEOW na naglalandian towards the act. I prepared my cellphone and took some pictures. I love the one na parang magkasiping sila =)

Lalong sumaya ang araw ko ^_^

Nako ayan na pow sila!

So Sweet! gumuggulong-gulong.

Umakyat na ko bago magstart yung live show. =(

Pineapple and Bavarian

While in line at Donuts Gonuts, almost napa-tumbling ako sa narinig ko:

Nanay: Miss, anong flavor nito? (pointing at the confectioner sugar coated doughnut)

Store Manager: Uses the tong to inspect the doughnut. Bavarian po Ma'am

Nanay: Ahhh. Hawaiian. Eh yung isa miss? (pointing at another tray)

Store Manager: Bavarian din po.

Nanay: (to herself but loud enough for me to hear) Ah. hawaiian din.

Syempre si Ryan natatawa na. Akala tapos na yung story pero may mas malupit pa palang punch line!!!

Nanay: (After checking the other doughnuts said to herself again) Pineapple yung laman n'eto eh.

Pinigil ko nang tumawa at baka mahalata ako.

Can't get over sobra.

Hahaha

Paninira ng isang taong walang magawa…

Whoever you are dear 09224143001… Napakagaling mong umimbento ng kwento spreading lies and deceits. Don’t you project yourself at me. It’s just funny that mas alam mo pa sarili ko kesa sa akin. And mas alam mo ginagawa ko kesa sa akin? WTF?!? Isa lang masasabi ko… isa kang inggitero/inggitera na sobrang insecure sa sarili at walang magawa sa buhay kung hindi manira ng kapwa…

Pag malaman ko kung sino ka, hindi naman kita papatulan… dahil definitely hindi kita ka-level. ka-level mo ang mga tae na nasa damuhan. Besides, it’s pointless to make patol to you dahil deep inside me I know the truth. And my friends are there to support and verify the facts…

Kaawa-awa ka… You’re so pathetic trying to make desperate moves para sirain ako and my family. I bet isa kang taong hindi edukado, walang modo, at hindi pinalaki ng tama ng parents mo. Desperate move buying a new sim to send that text message then itatapon mo ulit… hahaha… Hindi mo kayang magkaharap-harap tayo diba? And what are your evidences? Wala kang mapapakita dahil isa kang taong punong-puno ng kasinungalingan at inggit

You know what? Magpakilala ka… para mas tunog kapani-paniwala mga pinasasabi-sabi mo. Takot ka namang lumitaw. Tandaan mo kung sino ka man. babalik ang karma sa yo. Only you, me and God knows the truth.

Wala ka sa kalingkingan ko. such a pathetic loser…

Another Korean Experience

After having lunch yesterday at Pizza Hut Bistro, I had a haircut at Tony and Jackey (since it's just one kembot away). Here's my discourse with Shine (the korean hairstylist) and her assisstant:

After washing my hair

Shine: Woh heh Cah? (What hair cut)

Ryan: Give me a short haircut that's kinda manageable. Low maintenance, easy to style and flexible.

Shine: Woh? (What)

Ryan: Repeats the instruction again.

Shine: Woh? (What) Calls her assisstant and murmurs something..

Assisstant: Ano daw?

Ryan: Repeats the instruction again.

Assistant: (to Shine) Short haircut (WTF! kasasabi ko nga lang na short!)

Shine: Woh? (hindi talaga makaintindi ang gaga... Whisper something again to her assisstant and then she got back to me) Ho sho? (how short)

Assisstant draws an album and told me to select a hairstyle.

Ryan: (to myself) I don't wanna look like one of 'em. Besides, I know hindi bagay sa akin ganung haircut...

After browsing through the pictures, I really couldn't decide what style to get...

Ryan: Repeats the instruction again. But this time, I uttered my words slowly and clearly... 'Iiiiii waaaannnntttt aaaaaa ssssshhhhhooooorrrrrtttt...... (so on and so forth)

Other customers around me are kinda smirking na... hahaha

Shine: Woh? (What?)

Ryan: (Gives up) It's ur call. Give me a new look that would look good on me. Your call!

Shine: (to her assisstant) Woh? (What?)

Assisstant: (Speaks very slowly with sarcasm) It's up to you...

Shine: oke! (ok!)

Hence, the haircut began. She gave be haircut with bangs! Tangina! bangs kung bangs!!! Later on to find out that the style is very flexible. I can do tons of styles with it. And my friends like it naman. hahahaha... Neway, masasabi ko lang, mas magaling pa sila mag-tagalog kesa mag-english... i'll ask our korean neighbor to translate my instructions to korean para when I go back there, magkakaintindihan na kami (wag lang nya ako sagutin ulit ng korean) hehehe

Beef or Pork?

At Steak Plus Timog at around 2:45am this morning. Sumakit ang ulo ko kay manong waiter while placing our order…

Ryan: Dude, yung bang Callos Allejandro, beef or pork? (I don’t eat pork kasi)

Manong Waiter: Oo

Ryan: Ha? So ano nga yun? Beef or pork?

Manong Waiter: Baka.

WTF!?!? Ang labo kausap. haha.

I ended up eating Puttanesca instead. I think he misheard me naman. Sabiko kasi "Pu*****a!" then bigla syang umalis. After a few minutes, hecame back with Puttanesca. *chos!

Falling out of love...

What should you do if you think you are falling out of love with your partner?
Find ways to fall in love again with the same person over and over again. It's a cycle. There will come a point in a relationship that you'll get tired of everything. You'll realize that you're starting to lose your feelings towards your partner. With this realization, others tend to seek each other's shortcomings from other people. From thereon, everything would start to fall apart.

Tandaan natin... LOVE is not enough to make a relationship work. You have to fight for it and work for it.


How do you forget the person you once truly loved?
You just can't. Unless you never really loved the person. Hindi mawawala feelings mo towards that person... mababawasan, but it'll never totally fade out...

Hahaha. ala Dr. Love ba?!?

Duguang puso ni Ryan

Originally posted last Jan 17, '08 12:25 AM on my Multiply blog

Ito ang duguang puso ni Ryan. Nilapastangan ng isang taong dati-rati'y itinuring itong kanyang pangalawang tahanan. Tumitibok dati ito ng tama. lub-dub. lub-dub. Pero ngayon, pinili nyang lumayo upang kilalanin ang kanyang sarili. Hindi man lang nya naisip na ang paglisang ito ay nagdulot ng pagkukulang na naging dahilanan ng pag-dugo nito at kakulangan sa pagpintig. dub-dub na lang. wala nag love-dub love-dub.

Hindi ko alam kung babalik pa sya sa tahanang ito. Sana. Maghihintay ako. Ngunit kung may balak pa sya bumalik, sana hindi pa huli ang lahat. Sana may mabalikan pa sya. Sana may tibok pa ang pusong ito.

Ilang linggo itong unti-unting tinusok. Masakit man, hindi ko pa rin ganon karamdam dahil katabi ko sya. mabutas mang ang isang ventricle, naroroon sya para ituloy ang pagtibok nito. Ngunit ngayon, tuluyan nang tumagos sa pusong ito ang pako. Hindi ko masabi kung gaano kalalim. At kung kailan nangyari ito, dun pa nya piniling umalis

Idinaan sa mabuting pakiusap na ayusin ang mga bagay at idaan sa maayos na paraan. Mero pinili pa rin nya ang masaklap na paglisan. Ginawa ang lahat ngunit mas pinili nyang lumayo. Ang bagay ay inaayos ng magkasama hindi ng mag-isa. Marapat na magtulungan ang isa't-isa. Ngunit mas pinili nya na tahakin ang mga problema ng mag-isa. ng wala ang kabiyak.

Maghihintay ako hanggan sa huling tibok ng kalahating pusong ito. Maghihitay ako hanggan sa huling patak ng dugo na dadaloy at tutulo dito. Sana ay bumalik ka ng mabuo ulit ito. Huwag mong hintayin ang pagkakataon na tuyo na ito at huli ng lahat.

Too Much Love Will Kill You

Isang patama sa akin ng driver ng truck na ito... "Keep distance, too much love will kill you." Kitang-kita naman. It says it all. Wag paikutin ng sobra ang mundo sa taong iniibig. Konting distancia lang amigo. Else, hindi maiiwasan ang sobrang pagkapraning at pagiging seloso.

Naaalala ko tuloy yung 'Road Less Travelled' ni Scott Peck and 'Language of Love' ni Gary Chapman. I won't discuss it here coz magiging nobela nanaman ito. Thanks Cy at ako ang naalala mo ko nang nakita mo to. I'll take ur advice na mag-iwan naman ako ng konti para sa sarili ko at baka sa huli, ako ang maiwang nasaktan at lumuluha... =(

Huwat?!? I have a doppleganger?!?

Mhars reported seeing my Doppleganger lurking here in the office. That was between 4 and 5 am today. She saw me daw wearing a brown jacket walking to and fro the pantry, eh that time I stepped out to smoke a few ciggies downstairs. Another thing, I didn’t bring any jacket to work! I don’t even own a brown jacket! Syet! Ang saya! May fan na rin ako… yun nga lang… doppleganger nga lang! It flatters me that beings from the other world try to imitate me.

Another freaky incident on my way downstairs (siguro this was the time of the doppleganger attack) dumadaan ng every floor yung elevator (sabay) and there’s no one inside it! pagsakay ko, pababa, I got so nauseous coz dumaan nanaman sa lahat ng floor ang elevator! Freaky sobra. And then pagdating ko sa Gazebo, sakto pagkasindi ko ng yosi, the lights turned off. Even the guards were surprised coz no one turned off the lights! Whew. what a Freaky morning.

This is no bull. nor a shit. and definitely not a bull shit. Hindi na ko magoovernite sa office. I’ll report to work pag may araw na. I’m gonna make saboy agua bendita around me para it can’t make lapit to me. One thing that I can say about this freaky morning: ‘OMAGAD! Doppleganger in da haus!’